I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
