I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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