this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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