I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
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