Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
