Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
where am i from again
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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