I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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