a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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