What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
