I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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