Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
