it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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