You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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