YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
