Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
