I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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