I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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