look no pants
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
