perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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