not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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