i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
did i walk over a car last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
