I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he was CRYING into my vagina
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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