she woke up with a sticky ear
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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