I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
