Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
