So drunk, too bad you don't want this
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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