it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
