Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
