apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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