lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
