Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
