Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
