That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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