his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
