I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
