I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
