Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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