My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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