EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
why is half of my head shaved?
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