youre lurking in front of me
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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