i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
