My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
its not stalking. its research.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
