wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
