Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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