Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
50% drunk capacity currently
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
