just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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