hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I think weed is turning my hair brown
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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