omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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