So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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