Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
