I smell stomach acid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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