Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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