There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
